judging me? mirror yourself first, please.

let me just go straight to the point. something irked me yesterday, at my grandma's.

my 17 year old cousin asked me to pass him a pack of twisties that amal was eating(without saying PLEASE). my other cousin, then question him why i should pass it to him. know what was his answer?

she's wearing the hijab, so she must be nice.

what a bloody stereotype.
so if i wear the hijab, i must be nice. what if im not wearing it? is the piece of cloth on my head an indication to you that i must be nice? what about the other girls on the streets who do not wear it? does it necessarily mean they're bad?

for me, whether you wear the hijab or not, is between you and Allah. as a person, i have no right to judge you, vice versa.

what about you then? you drink and smoke. does that make you a bad person (character wise, NOT religious wise)? i dont think so. not being able to differentiate right and wrong is your problem. i can advise you. but if it falls on deaf ears, then i wont bother anymore.

i hate it when people keep sindir- ing me lately. khalis made a remark yesterday, about my 'change'.

'why, you too cool for us ah?'

i swear to God i wanted to slap him.

my dear cousins, the reason why i keep avoiding you all is because i am trying to change. and whenever im with you all, you make me want to sin. im not blaming you, please understand that. i am blaming mself. my iman is not strong. i get influenced easily. ive tried hard reaching to this point, and i wouldnt want everything to go to waste with just one outing. ive tried advising you all to stop drinking, but you all keep mocking me, saying im too religious. leaving what is haram does not make me religious. i want to take islam as a whole. not just bits and pieces of it. if you all have a problem with that, then leave me out of your lives. i have no problem with that. of course, part of me doesnt want that. but if you all keep leading your lives this way, i guess its better for me, for all of us.

umi,
please stop aking me to go out with the cousins. i do admit, my prayers are a little bit more stable now, and ive no problems with the hijab. but still, i am not there yet. if the incident that happened about two months ago were to repeat, im not sure if id be able to stop myself. i stil have a long way to go umi. but i dont want everything that ive learned and sacrficed to perish just like that. i know myself well. i dont care if the aunts talk about me, or my change. ultimately, i do not aim to please, especially not to them. (i still care for my aunts, dont get me wrong) if they talk about me, its not my loss. i know that in islam, if you cause people to talk about your own actions, its your fault. but id rather that happen, then i go back to my old ways.

abah,
there's so much i wish to tell you. sometimes i wished you were as strong as umi. you're the only person in this world who undertsands me best. why must you be so far away from me? you keep telling me i can tell you anything, and not to rely so much on people. but how abah? i fear that if i were to tell you everything, you wouldnt be able to take it. take care abah. im not ready to lose you.

i am dejected.