When It Rains, It Pours.

I feel that a lot of people are angry at me now, for reasons I don't know.

A lot of things have happened over these two weeks. My attempt to lose weight (which is obviously failing), my father, my insecurities and well. Some more problems which A'qilah knows.

Initially, I asked myself, what is it that J has that I don't? I thought I was at par with her. We both have our weaknesses and strenghts. But something happened tht made me feel inferior towards her. I was angry. Angry at her. At myself. At everyone. It took A'qilah to ask me this question ; are you then, angry at Allah?, to make me take a step back and see the whole picture. There is a hikmah for everything. I have yet to see the it, but I reckon that this would save my father from getting another heart attack :D

I talked to my mum and A'qilah about this issue. Of course, A'qilah was the more understanding one. Umi simply asked, why bother?

But that was true. Why am I so bothered? Must be my slf- esteem issues. Which brings us to the incident yesterday. I didn't wanna go to my grandma's bday party for several reasons, so I ended up eating dinner with A'qilah and Kak Noraini (her treat :D) Kak Noraini then knocked some sense into me, something a lot of people have failed to do so. I have to learn to love myself. To accept myself for who I am. And to learn not to rush.

What A'qilah said was true to, when you ask Allah for patience, He gives it to you through tests.

I guess I just have to brace myself.

ON A SEPARATE NOTE, yesterday, while we walked into Swensens, everyone (and i mean everyone) was staring at us. Kak Noraini said it's because we're pretty.

But it has to to be that we were all in black Jubahs and black and grey hijab.

Duh.

News Flash

I read your blog Hayani. truthfully, it hurt. because i did not take drastic actions as to disregard you from my life. I'm glad I followed my mum's words of wisdom (something very rare)- do not think emotionally. I will never regret out four years of friendship. we had our share of sorrow and unhappiness, something i will never forget.

but please. i beg of you not to think emotionally. do not follow what your heart pleases you to do. removing your archives and stuff, just to erase any memories left of me. why not delete all the picture i took of you too? why are you still using them?

but whatever. if you want to consider me as the past, fine with me.

im too tired to care anymore.

a wasted effort.
goodbye.

The Truth, And Nothing But The Truth

I met with Afifah just now (with the consent of A'qilah lolol I should really stop this)



and I'm glad we clarified things out. sort of. there was a misunderstanding abt one of my blog posts. abt the borak friends part. but im not going to take down the post. that would mean im a coward, and pleasing people is not my ultimate aim.

so here it is. what i feel.

i dont think our friendship was plastic. but it wasnt a truthful one either. we say we're best friends, but there're secrets one of us would not know, but the other one will. i do admit i'm MIA most of the time, but honestly, is a friendship really based on the MIA-ness of someone? if so, i wouldnt have any friends. i do admit that we cannot tell everything toach other. i do admit there are some thigns i keep from the two of you. read that? the two of you. not one of you. if you would wanna keep a secret from one of us, then make sure the one who doesnt know abt it will never find out. yani and ifah, theyve been friends since pri school. sometimes i feel like an outsider around them. but of course, its not like that all the time. we had our own fair share of fun.

but yes. you say you are waiting for my move, cos youve always been making the first move? im not trying to cari pasal, but since when did you make the first move? from what i know, out most recent fight was 2 years ago, and I was the one who had to apologise first.
so yes, enlighten me.

i read your blog, abt the dates you had with the rest of our gfs, but didnt inform me of it. i talked to my mum abt it, and she said maybe because of my MIA (yet again)

but seriously, you all shouldnt just make that an excuse. example, ifah said on wed, when she msged me, she wasnt hoping for any reply. but yet, i replied her and we went out. so thing is my friends, do not make your own hasty decisions.

and the reason why i can spend so much time with aqilah now is because im not busy with my cousins. you all know what happened between my cousins and i. i dont spend time with them anymore, hence my free time. if you were to ask me out right now, id say yes. and this are not mere words.

so yes. if you can kecil hati, i can too, with the blog posts. if i can cool down and be patient, you should also try and make an effort too.

im not saying im not blaming myself for this. i do admit, i have my faults.

but what about yours?

A Random One

A'qilah was asking bout my fav stuffz on MSN.

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
country?

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
yemen <33333 HAHAHAHAHA

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
no comments.
food?

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
hahahah
food? mmmmmm. i have no preferences. but i like arab food. im not being pro arab or what. but yeah. i like cos its meaty

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
you're obviously pro-arab. pretty obvious.
who is your favourite person?

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
YOUUUUUUUU
HAHAHHAHAHA

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
no comments.
okay dah, interview over. you can interview me if you want or just ignore i exist

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
i prefer the latter

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
granted. nudge when u wish to acknowledge my presence.

You have just sent a nudge.

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
okay

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
who's your favourite person

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
favourite person? not you.
LOL.

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
not me? fine ah. i change my answer also. favourite person is ME. ME ME ME ME ME

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
fave person fave person fave person fave person fave person
SHEEEESH that's a tough one

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
im feeling the love.

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
it should be my wife i guess have you met her?

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
eh wait pause. isnt the wife me?

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
you're bloody slow. analyse and tell me.

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
yalah me ah. this is totally off topic. im in the room, and my mum in the kitchen. she just called me form the house phone saying she made tea for me. now i know why shes my mum

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
LOL...
fatin you're making me laugh in d middle of d night
my bro is sitting on my bed thinking his sister is Crazy

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
its not even elevennnnnn
took him 12 years to realise??

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
does that make it less night?
Thank You.

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
well, yeah. to me
haha velcummmmmm

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
(you must be so damned proud of me)\

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
why is that

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
because i said velcum. you know. like indian accent.

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
I'm Javanese.

Fatin Bamadhaj says:
if my paternal grandma was alive she'd slap me for being biased towards her ace
*race

A'qilah Saiere.Allah Knows. says:
I'll tell her in Jannah don;t worry Insya'Allah

then we started talking about things which were a little too private.
ANYWAY.
this blog is not for public consumption (if that even makes sense) but yes. this blog is just a little diary i keep for myself.

Anyhooo, A'qilah is my fav person because she's the only person i can talk properly both in MSN and face to face. Plus, if i dont reply her smses, she'll always ask if im dead.


yep.
30 years down the road, reading this, i will think im the most merepek person alive.

Allah Hafiz.

Life is a dancer. I am the dance.

A'qilah tagged me. So i'm doing it.

Quickly list down 3 things that you'll never ever ever do in your life ever. Preferably it should be something that many other people do or something you have done before and will never ever do again.

1) convert to any other religion.
2) please people, just for the sake of keeping them happy.
3) break promises.

I can go on and on, for there'ere many things in this life that I would never want to do, or have done before. Also, they're many things in life I wish to say to my elders. (not my parents. just some specific people)

There're currently 7 maids at home now. Life is heaven. Because now i have an excuse not to do housework (I've been doing them the past weeks ok i need rest) hee hee. I'm waiting for them to fry for me tempe( is that how you spell it? *calls A'qilah*. she'll be very proud of me. maklum, makanan negara dia. haaaa. she is going to slap me)

I witnessed something yesterday, which made me realise 2 things.
1) be grateful to your parents.
2) do not take your religion lightly.

At first i was a bit zonked out. I was very disorientated. It was my first time witnessing something as such. But after thinking back, I am grateful, because Allah has been very kind to me, giving me so called 'pelajaran'.

Dont ask me why I have malay words inside.

Someone to love you with all his heart is difficult to come by.

So true.

Even when we conceal, we reveal.

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard.
Some do it with a bitter look.
Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss.
The brave man with a sword!

(Oscar Wilde, Ballad of Reading Jail, 1898)


And so we hurt the very people we love. Yet hate taints the purity of love and makes it bitter. Ugly words kill the people we love. And yet we love again. Memory of what is good and sacred erases the pain and forces all to act with goodness and blind faith again. Apologetic is the heart that hurts, optimistic is that which reaches out for warmth of the hearth that lights up the home.

I had a tiff with my mum today, again. It takes two to tango. But whatever it is, I apologised to her. I hate fighting. It is mentally draining for me. So when i apologised, she said she's been hurt too many times by her sons, and she's not clinging on to whatever hope that's left and bla bla bla. I do not understand her rationale. What has my two brothers got to do with this? It is unfair for me that she drags them into this. Sometimes i just hate my brothers. Why do they have to be far away from the family? These past years, I've tried being the glue that held my family together. Today, I am not going to waste my time anymore. Everybody is just too self- obsessed. Blaming others for their mistakes. Thinking they're always right.


I know who I am and it is not easy for my mother to accept who I am and so some things are not really discussed or are just spat out and left on the floor to dry, leaving just imprints of words to replay in the mind's ear.

Enough about this. I've got another issue in my mind now. I have a friend, a guy, who's gay. I told him that in Islam, it's not acceptable. But he told me he tried changing but he can't. He wants to, but he can't. Some people also know that he's gay and as a result, they treat him like some pariah, leaving him to feel very unwanted. I mean, i dont know how it feels like being gay, but I sure know how it feels like being unwanted. So over the months, I've been his friend. I told my mother about this few months ago, and she told me to stay away from him. I'm torn. I want to be his friend, because i know he is depressed but at the same time, I dont wanna go against my mother's words.
What should i do? I've advised him, but he told me not to cling on to the hope that he'll be straight.

And the irony is that he follows religion closely. So why does this happen?


Lesso learnt today :
Life is sweet, salty, bitter and sour, you just have to take it all in and enjoy the juxtaposition of all the flavours.

unconditional love? maybe not.

i. am. so. freaking. pissed (okay wah i sound like im on white chicks)
ANYWAY.

reason is, abah just called me, scolding me (serious no joke) on why i didnt reply his sms. he said 'you and umi all the same. when im at home, your phone bunyi tak habis2 and you all layan. when im away and i sms you all, never reply. you all dont care about me eh' and went on and on.

abah sent me 4 sms today and i replied to 3! thats not bad what! and as for umi not replying your sms, i cant really comment on that. she's super busy and sometimes i dont even see her.

nyeh. whatever ah. i dont wanna be angry. he's my father. and i've only got one(no im not asking for more)

watched slumdog millionaire today with a'qilah. i love dev patel i swear. but the thing that i liked in the beginning of the movie was this line

they're Muslims. Kill them.

for once, i thought, finally, muslims are the ones being terrorised, not terrorists. in the media, i mean.

but in the middle, one of the muslim men, was a murderer or something. so before he went out to do his 'duty', he'd pray and asked God to forgive him. for me, it was a bit ironic.

today's outing for me, was a bit .....
i dont know why. maybe because we're both tired. a'qilah was mentally tired (she admits she thinks too much) and im just deprived of sleep (this is a serious issue ok)

and that girl just HAD to bring up the topic on separation. i hate it. i hate the word. i hate the idea of it. i hate everything about it.

she was talking about how everything will be when poly starts. i felt like slapping her with my chicken. seriously.

when she talked about it, it reminded me of what hayani & ifah told me. about sticking together till the end. all of those were just mere words. look at where we are now.
but somehow, with a'qilah, i dont know why, i believe we can make it. maybe because our bond is strong, we've got the same ideaology and we've so much in common. prolly the reason why im separated with hayani & ifah is because they were just my borak friends? i dont mean to be mean or cold hearted. i do admit, they have been my pillar of support at times. but i ask myself, do they really care for me?

damn. writing all these is making me negative. must be the hours i spent with a'qilah today. heeee.

but anyway a'qilah, if youre reading this, good friends are hard to come by. you were lucky you found me HAHHA ok ok its mutual. im wont give up till you do.

you have my word.

Allah hafiz.